The Spooky Mystery of the Dark Lord
by ebatch
Summary: Satirical alternate ending. Voldemort has just fallen in the Great Hall, but there is still one secret that must be revealed. It is time for the real villain of the piece to be unmasked...


The sun blazed through the broken windows of the Great Hall. Silence gripped the crowds, with even the cries of the wounded fading away in that moment, as the body of Voldemort hit the table with a thud that echoed in the silence. It was not a loud sound, which added to the shock. This titanic figure had loomed over the wizarding world for so many years, but in death the mortal form of the Dark Lord was revealed to be as frail as any other mortal body.

Harry shook slightly as he walked over to the fallen figure, everyone in the halls eyes still fixed on him. Was this … was this the end?

He was momentarily distracted by a movement in the back of the crowd. He smiled as Hermione and Ron walked forward to join him, and stood slightly taller. He caught another flash of red, and next thing he know Ginny was running up to join them, and was hugging her brother. He had never been so glad to see those three in his life. Hermione's eyes were teary, and Ron was still pale. Harry guessed that seeing him dead one moment, and duelling Voldemort the next, had rather shocked his best friend.

Another commotion came from the crowd, and with a howl of delight Fang the cowardly dog rushed up to Ron's side, his tongue lolling.

Hermione climbed up onto the table next to him.

"Jinkies!" she said, wiping her glasses absently on her orange jumper. "Looks like he won't be terrorising any more innocent people."

"Yeah man, like totally! Wow!" said Ron who had joined them. He pushed his shaggy hair out of his eyes and grinned slightly.

Harry hadn't finished yet. He pulled himself upright, for one last revelation.

"I think its time to find out the truth about the Dark Lord," he said, voice raised to reach the audience.

Ron groaned. "This wouldn't involve splitting up and searching for clues would it?"

Ginny put her hand on her hip and pouted. "Oh no! I've only just finished mourning my older brother, I'm not ready to get kidnapped by monsters yet."

Harry shook his head laughing. "No gang! There's only one clue left, and it's right in front of us…"

He strode up to the crumpled figure, which was still breathing shallowly, and pulled on his face.

There was a gasp from the watching people.

"But … but that's a mask!" cried Hermione.

"Zoinks!" cried Ron, rubbing his forehead in confusion.

"Yes," said Harry, and he stepped aside to reveal the hidden beneath the crude rubber mask to everyone.

A collective gasp of shock reverberated round the hall way, as the face of Argus Filtch came clearly into view.

"You mean," Hermione cried, "It was the creepy caretaker all along?"

"Exactly," said Harry, looking down at the man's face. "You see, my suspicions were first roused when I saw how Mrs. Norris acted around the 'Dark Lord'. Next, I began to wonder if Argus had any reason for persecuting the wizarding world. A brief search of his office found this." He pulled out a piece of paper and flourished it at the crowds. "An old survey which suggests that there is a large deposit of OIL underneath Hogwarts school!"

Hermoine frowned. "But the horcruxes, the muggle killings, his take-over of the ministry. Are you saying those were all just part of a clever plan to gain access to Hogwarts?"

Harry nodded triumphantly. "He just wanted to scare us all out of the school so he could cash in on the minerals hidden underneath."

"Doesn't sound like a good plan to me, dude," Ron said, but everyone ignored him. Fang shook his head in agreement.

"But … but everyone know that Argus Filtch is a squib!" said Hermoine.

"Yes," Harry agreed. He reached down and pressed a hidden button inside Filtch's sleeve. A green lightbulb that had been sown to the inside of his sleeve suddenly started to glow, somehow recreating the appearance of the Avada Kadavra curse. "It's all just lights and mirrors I'm afraid. There never was any Dark lord!"

Everyone began to murmur in comprehension.

"Well, that totally explains why he kept on completely failing to kill you Harry!" Ginny said cheerfully, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder. "I was beginning to think that there was some kind of supernatural being inventing new and implausible ways for you to keep surviving, but this is a much more elegant explanation."

Harry scratched his head. "Thanks …I guess?" He turned to look down at his fallen enemy, pity and anger mixing in his heart.

The man who had been variously Argus Filtch, the Dark Lord, Tom Riddle and Lord Voldemort, met his eyes. In a voice so soft that only Harry could hear it, he whispered his last words.

"…And, I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for … you … meddling … kids…."

With that he sighed, and laid still for the last time, his blank eyes staring into the cloudless sky that emblazoned the ceiling of the great hall.

* * *

Fin.

Hope the scooby doo references were obvious enough, otherwise I guess that wouldn't have made any sense at all.


End file.
